Thursday, December 19, 2013

Dear Heisenberg

Dear Heisenberg,

Technically, as of this moment, I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant with you.  Which I cannot freaking believe. It took us a long time to get you here - a super long time.  (And when you're older I'm going to tell you this just enough for you to know how wanted you are in this world, but not enough for you to feel bad about arriving a little late. You came when you were supposed to come, we just wanted you so bad the wait wasn't easy).

I'm writing to you mostly because I need you to stick around.  Tomorrow is a big appointment where they look for your heart flutter (we just need to see it) and then they can say to us 'okay, things seem like they're going well - you can breathe easier'.  I don't care if you're extroverted like me or introverted like your Dad after you're born, but I'm going to need you to show up to parties - like tomorrows - before you are. Just to say hi.

They say babies choose their parents (I know I did and I went to a lot of trouble to get there).  You went to a lot of trouble to choose us - a lot of trouble and a lot of asskicking - it seems only right to tell you a few things about us.

I'm your big-eyed (you probably will be, too) and insanely goofy Mom. You will absolutely not have the best cookies at the bake sale with me, no crafting we ever do will be pinterest worthy and I'm sorry to say if you get my curly hair I don't really know what to do with it - but I will always try to make you laugh, I will always try to make you happy (while ensuring you are still a good person) and I will always, well, try. I haven't let myself buy you anything yet - but when I can, I have your first real purchase already picked out:


It's a onesie with the inexplicable face of Bill Murray on it.  I'm not sure why but I feel that's pretty indicative of the type of Mom you'll be getting.

Your Dad is the tall and furry genius.  He's just as goofy as I am, but way more thoughtful and focused. He's a great big, nerdy and delightful weirdo and I hope you get his non-picky eating habits and pineapple hair. Because of him it's entirely possible you'll be able to tear apart computers and explain them to me, and it's definite that you'll be playing some kind of musical instrument as soon as you're able to sit up (don't panic, in a fun way, not a required way, like so -

What do I know about you so far?

I know that you're a freaking fighter - strength is just something you have a lot of.  I know this because of the many hurdles you've encountered and didn't just jump but sailed over. I need you to keep sailing over them.

Wanting someone like your Dad in my life was wanting someone to love me (and as an added bonus, give love back).  Wanting you was having so much love to give someone (and as an added bonus, maybe one day you'll love me back).  At this point, we have so much love to give you you wouldn't even believe it.  SO much love - it would knock you over.  We promise to mess you up just enough to give you a sense of humor without doing any permanent damage, and that we're going to have so. much. fun. once you get here...

Please, please please, show up tomorrow.  Love you and want you so very very much.

Mom (and Dad)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Strawberry Funk

It. Is. Thursday.

May yours be full of glitter and unicorn farts and topped with a generous helping of awesome sauce and a sprinkle of fuck yeah.

Just wanted to say really quick - this blog is my crack den of free therapy and you are the coke I get to snort off of a hookers teet. Therefor it should go without saying, that if all goes well I will not be doing the ole "well, fixed that problem so peace out, suckas!". Nor will I hold it against you if you have to take a step back from me a bit or a lot at any time, and if you're on the fence about it - let me just say I don't want to sit at the freaking fertile table at lunch.  Also, I am unsure how much I will be talking about pregnancy on here but I can tell you that for now it may be a lot because I'm nervous, but once that subsides a bit when I do talk about it it will be in the manner I talk about everything else which is 90% totally freaking ludicrous. And that's all she wrote for now.

My betas went swimmingly - at 12 dpo (7dp5dt) it was 44, 14 dpo 135, 16dpo 386.

Today I am - and I can't believe I am saying this - 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am nervous and grateful and nervous and excited and nervous.

...And nervous.

I know what you're thinking - 'just enjoy it you asshat!' because this is what I would have been yelling a few weeks ago. And I'm trying to.. I'm trying to.  I'm trying to live every moment as though its soundtrack was a super duper relaxing 70s funk song.

(No joke - I was up for two hours in the middle of the night with that song stuck in my head, being further and further enraged that there's no explanation as to why it's called strawberry letter 23 WHEN THEY KEEP SINGING 22. No I was not high though that would greatly help my nerves at this point).

I'm trying to be a groovy, groovy bitch and I am about 60% of the time.  The other 40% is spent worrying what will happen if I allow myself to be totally happy.

I go from feeling like a giggly creature high off the ole strawberry funk to totally overwhelming anxiety.  Pretty damn quickly.

I just wonder when it lifts - when the worry lifts and it feels real.  When the overall worry will lessen enough for me to mostly feel the happy.

And before you get totally irritated with me - I am SO happy and so fucking grateful there are no words for it.  I just want to feel it fully without being a superstitious ass about it and get it through my thick skull I won't get punished for enjoying the happy.

I have to be better about letting myself feel happy because right now, in this moment, I am pregnant.  I've been waiting for this for so long, and damnit I'm going to enjoy it.

I occasionally shout to my husband (full decibel) THERE'S A PERSON IN HERE.  Mostly because that doesn't fully register with ME.

There's a PERSON IN HERE. I have to try to relax and enjoy that shit because by the beard of Zeus, after 4 years there is, as of this moment, a PERSON IN HERE.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound - I'll only be 5 weeks 2 days so they'll just be looking for a sac (or sacs).

I promise to become a much more interesting person once this worry subsides a little.

Keep a toe or two crossed for me - I shall update tomorrow.

Until then, you stay funky internet.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Results Show

Happy Tuesday, tiddlywinks!

It's DECEMBER!!! Mind you, this has been the longest 2 1/2 months of my life quite possibly but at the same time.. been so hyperfocused on IVF turned battle o late blooming embryos turned IVF (aka, full tilt boogie tour of all injectables) that I feel as though I should still be recovering from Halloween.

So I'm gonna talk about the last week, my Beta tomorrow, the end of FET, etc.. So if you're not in a place for it - skip this!  Skip it!  Skip that shit!

Get out of here guilt free or so help me this cat will get you when you LEAST EXPECT IT.


Are they gone?

Are we sure?

Okay just in case - one more pic and then you're in or you're out or I shall punish you like this dog!


Almost exactly four years, eleventy rounds of clomid, 1.5 IVFs, many special tests, 90 gajillion shots, one chemical pregnancy, many miracles, so much money and one FET later - as of this moment, I am pregnant.

PREGNANT.  With like, a HUMAN BABY. (Or babies).

PREGNANT. La Bamba and/or Heisenberg dug deep.

None of it has sunk in yet.  None of it.  None.

PREGNANT.  And we're talking about ME here.

Okay backing up.

My transfer was last Monday and I tell you I felt weird pinches that day (I'm guessing Heisenberg as he is THE ONE WHO KNOCKS.)

The night of Thanksgiving, as it's starting to hit me it may not work, I start getting dull cramps and the tiniest little spritz of red flecks (and I mean tiny - a mentally stable person would have probably missed it.)

I start feeling like I'm getting the flu I'm so tired - I of course think I'm just getting the actual flu on top of my negative-to-come and start getting weepy about my bad luck.  It was actually a very relaxing holiday at my Moms and I ate ALL THE THINGS.

Saturday, Bub and I come home having agreed that I will hold out to test until Monday.  Beta scheduled for Wednesday, and if there is no hope I really want to be eased into it instead of being shocked.  So Monday.  Monday makes sense.

Naturally, after we get home I go out to get Jamba juice - and a pregnancy test. Just going to ease myself into seeing that negative - it's only 5dp5dt at this point (10dpo for you non-IVFers, 10 days past ovulation for you fertiles) which is LUDICROUSLY early because my period wouldn't be due for 6 days.

I put my purchased FRER in my purse, take purse into bathroom, pee into cup.  Dip in FRER.  Set aside.  30 seconds later look, and start cackling like a mad woman.  Then I yell "HEYYYYY!!!" and start sprinting out of the bathroom for Bub, and say oh by the way I'm pregnant and PS I bought a pregnancy test.

What you're looking at - top one is Saturday at 5 PM, middle is Sunday at 5 PM, bottom is yesterday at 5 PM.

I paged my Doctors office. Initially the on-call Doctor said to wait until Wednesday (14dpo) as planned, but then she called me on Sunday to say she spoke to my Doc and to come in early on Monday.

So I had my Beta yesterday - took forever to hear back, but my hcg is 44. (Keep in mind that's two days early - but yeah, I thought it'd be a little higher). I am pregnant.  Doc said to keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be working, come in for retest on Wednesday to make sure number is doubling.

I go back and forth between "holy shit I'm pregnant" and it not hitting me AT ALL.  Like, AT ALL.  Yesterday getting my number made me realize I kind of have PTSD about pregnancy... Just keep having to remind myself this is SO much earlier/darker/higher than last time.  And I already feel... weird.

Please pray for nice, doubling numbers by tomorrow.  I am at the end of the line here, last stop to have a baby- I promise to be a benevolent and understanding knocked up woman.  Let me be that crazy story you tell people when they're losing hope. Light a candle, think a happy thought, send some good juju, this has to be it (or them).  Has to be. Any good vibes you have I will appreciate.

I almost hesitated in posting this today but am pushing through.  Tomorrow is going to be awesome! Awesome awesome.

Everything is going as it should (which who knew could HAPPEN to ME) so far.  I just have to keep reminding myself I'm actually pregnant.

I'm pregnant I'm pregnant I'm pregnant I'm pregnant.