Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Walking Fertiles

Greetings, interwebs.

I am not dead, I am more... undead.

It would seem - and I'm sure every last friggin one of you could've related to this statement at one point or another - that the entire universe is pregnant.  I don't know what happened in November or December... my theory is that in several counties in the U.S. and possibly internationally there was some sort of sperm spill into the water system, and once I have any proof towards this I plan on donning a low cut shirt and fussing about in front of television cameras Erin Brokovich style.

While I am ecstatic for some and indifferent to most (c'mon people, you can relate) I have found it best to use my power of invisibility as of late rather than hone my acting skills.  I'm in survival mode.  It is the Walking Dead all up in here only instead of zombies I'm trapped in a prison of my own making to avoid herds of pregnant women, and frankly I'm praying they'll infect me but all they fucking do is bite.

(How much do I love that show.. Let me count the ways).

I am ever-so briefly in Walking Dead mode, yes, but I am coming back slowly but surely, promise promise.

Though, as I said, I am using my cloak of invisibility rather than my acting skills, I did in fact deliver such a performance recently that I am sure if Daniel Day Lewis hadn't come out with Lincoln this year, I would be dominating the Oscars this weekend and weeping in front of a camera in a ballgown in a much more dignified fashion than anyone on the Bachelor.

(Seriously - Daniel Day Lewis wins all, I say.  Best actor, best picture, best foreign documentary, best performance by a man in a top hat).

As you may recall I am adopted.  I have a half brother on my maternal side that I am close to and understand, and a half sister on my paternal side that I don't particularly... get.  We'll call her Summer. I love her, do not get me wrong, I do.  I flew her out a few years ago, we had an excellent time, but mostly our relationship has been limited to the occasional email or comment on Facebook and I think that's about as far as we're destined to go.

Anyhoo.

Girlfriend is 24 years old, has been married for less than a year (as far as I can tell, they were cheating, breaking up and making up riiiight up until the wedding.  This is her third engagement, so I waited until she had been married for a month before sending a gift this time.)  She is somewhat familiar with my struggles, wildly immature, and told me she was pregnant by sending me a picture of her positive pee stick.  

A few things before I say things that are going to sound wildly snotty.  You all know I'm a bleeding heart liberal.  I also, for the record, am in one of those financial brackets where part of my taxes will be going to people who have less.  I am hap-hap-happy to do that, I'm pretty sure whoever your religious idol is wanted people to have... food.  And Summer is one of those people that has no money.  None.  The biological Father we both share ditched her, her Mother, left her with some impoverished and very elderly grandparents, girlfriend has nothing.  No.  Thing.  This is genuinely one of those people that when they get help, needs it.

Here's where I get snotty.

She found out she was pregnant 2 weeks ago via a very very positive at home pregnancy test.  She has no insurance, was shocked that a Doctor wouldn't see her, can't afford a bus ticket or a taxi ride to a planned parenthood.  Still hasn't been to a Doctor, but apparently a case worker for the state is going to see that she sees one soon.

The financial plan for taking care of this kid is foodstamps and welfare.  Again, this kid would starve to death and have absolutely nothing if it weren't for this little net.  This kid is fucked with or without the foodstamps, but thank G-d it will have that.  We are talking about a woman who has cardboard furniture and doesn't have the maturity or the fucking know how to spend money on things that you can't smoke.

This baby was planned.  PLANNED.  Personally I try to keep my nose 100% out of people's reproductive organs because I sure as shit don't like other people's noses in mine.  But fuck me sideways with a crossbow, seriously?!?  I feel as though if you're 24, you've been married a few months, have absolutely no money or insurance, that maybe planning one isn't the smartest thing to do.

But I have done my bit.  I have said "Oh yay I'm going to be an Aunt... sort of". It is exhausting to even mutter that in an email. Exhausting.


On a positive note, Bubba flunked the super shnazy sperm test and I had a summit with Doctor Kickass about it.  He is meeting with the embryologist tonight (!) to discuss who they need to wrangle in in California to get this shit done, and then we're off to the races.

Only I'm going to wait until June, methinks.  I need to quit sugar (in the process of it - see above grumpy cat) and yesterday Mr. T and I went to the gym. (No shit first time I typed that it came out gymp).

I am running a couple of miles a day on a sweaty disgusting treadmill.  I will not be trying to convince you that endorphins are better than heroin, I will not be shoveling kale happily into my mouth by the pound telling you it's just as good as bacon, nor will I be exclaiming how refreshing and awesome exercise is.

I just want to be clear... It's awful.  It's sweaty and disgusting.  I can't fathom how any gym is a pick up place as it is just a breeding ground for awful smells and douchebaggery.  I do not understand the enjoyment of exercise unless it is in the physical pursuit of an orgasm (which I shouted repeatedly at Mr. T whilst treadmilling.... thankfully he does not embarrass). 

But I'm gonna do this shit anyway so I'm healthier for IVF go time and so that I look less like the lovechild of Mr. Kool Aid and Rodney Dangerfield.  This way, when I actually do get pregnant ( and I will, damnit) in order to weigh me they won't have to tear down a wall to my house and ask the entire town for assistance in heaving me onto a large mammal scale.

I am slowly coming back.  Sweaty and pissed, but coming back.  Love to all.






37 comments:

  1. First off, you are hilarious. I miss your posts.

    I'm sorry to hear about Summer- she sounds like an airhead. Maybe the planned pregnancy was to make sure they stayed married for a while? Whatever the reasoning, BLERGH.

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    1. Smoooooch.

      Oh gawd I have no idea.. She literally has not been single more than a week since she was 16. It's a regular Maury Povich show.

      Delete
  2. First, I have missed you. I have thought about you daily, commented on FB, but all in all, when the BFP's started rolling in, totally understand why you went in to hiding. I myself have done that many a time.

    Secondly, as for Summer? It would take a lot for me not to slap the shit out of her in my mind while typing the "I'm gonna be an aunt, kind of" thing. I do NOT understand that, and to tell you via text with a picture of a pee stick, SERIOUSLY?!?!? You are an amazing woman to have not gone postal.

    I hope Dr Kickass and embryologist come up with some awesome plans. And good for you for getting into shape. Giving up sugar is freaking HARD! Good for you. I was never able to fully give it all up. I'm weak...

    Can't wait to hear how things go and I'm glad you're working your way back... (((HUGS)))

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    1. Hello gorgeous! I have missed you.

      Slowly but surely working myself back into this, I am I am..

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  3. You're a better person than I am. I would totally start mind-fucking with Summer, talking about how horrible it's going to be to be parents with no money and how hard it is and how maybe possibly has she considered adoption and if so oooh I don't know but it would be good to have the baby go to someone in the family so she could maintain contact and BAM then you have a newborn adopted baby.

    OK I know stuff doesn't work like that and I'm not really suggesting it because of a host of other obvious issues that would probably arise, but that's where my mind goes when someone I deem "unworthy" gets pregnant. Sigh.

    And yeah, working out sucks ass. I have to force myself every. Single. Time. I keep hoping it will get easier but it never really does. Kudos for keeping up with it!

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    1. Hahaha Iiiii have had to exercise every last muscle in my body to not say shit like that to her. EVERY LAST ONE. When she announced she was going to start trying I somehow - apparently stupidly - assumed that maybe she would have problems because I figured (and this sounds awful) that if she could've gotten pregnant easily, she would've been pregnant 75 times already. When will I learn I have no pregnant logic....

      It sucks balls. BALLS I SAY. Mr. T & I are going to take a dance class tomorrow at the gym and I'm weirdly looking forward to making an ass out of myself in this way. ;)

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  4. Why have I encountered the name Summer -- in reference to a dumb girl -- three times in the span of five days in the blogosphere?! What are you trying to tell me, Universe? THIS IS TOO CRYPTIC!

    Also, despite the fact that I am possibly preggo, I completely had a meltdown sometime last spring when it seemed that literally every single IF blogger was getting knocked up except me. And half of them were totally unexpected, "miracle BFPs", which almost made it worse.

    ANYWAY, welcome back!!! And congrats on finally getting this ball rolling again. June to me seems very far away, though, and I think maybe if your RE says to do it sooner, you should. I'm sure your body will "healthify" itself in less time than that anyway... you live in Cali, right? You can only be so unhealthy in California, after all. :)

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    1. Mayhaps it's the universe telling you not to name a child Summer? ;)

      Oh I can be wildly healthy in CA. I am gifted. Gif. Ted.

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  5. I missed you Stork!!! SO much. Happy to hear this update and I am so excited to cheer you on for your next IVF shenanigans!!! Seriously, that was a planned pregnancy. It's amazing how naive some people can be to it all. Any who, I am wishing you the best of the bestest!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!

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  6. I've missed you and your posts! But I totally get going into hiding to avoid the pregnant. I do it often.
    I haven't had sugar in almost 2 weeks and it is killing me. I am very much grumpy cat today. and there are girl scout cookies in my kitchen just calling my name. And anyone who says kale is good is lying. I force myself to eat it every once in a while because it's good for you but I do not enjoy it. Good for you for getting healthy, though.

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    1. I vow, Jen, I vow, to not be one of those people that lies and says being healthy is awesome and refreshing.

      And OMG eat those girl scout cookies... I couldn't resist them. COULD NOT RESIST.

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  7. Friend, you are back! I'm so glad you have returned to this space. First, I'm sorry that everything has a been bleak for you. I hope your doc comes up with a kickass plan that incites hope and encouragement. Two, did you watch this week's episode of Walking Dead? My question is why are they all such awful shot when it comes to hitting real people but kick ass when shooting the zombies? Really. Please, tell me the truth. I need to know.

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    1. Iiii had the same thought! It was literally the first episode I've ever seen where they miss every fricking shot. I mean, Rick.. I know you're going nuts but c'mon....

      Also, they need to kill Andrea. I can't take her.

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    2. I can't handle here, either. And then she really screwed up this week, too. Go away.

      Delete
  8. Your posts always make me laugh. And they are so TRUE! Gah I would have gone mental if I had to deal with that. My extremely immature ditsy (did I just bring back the word ditsy?) SIL got herself good and knocked up with a drunken one night stand and of course had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and moved in with the guy and it now pretending to be a grownup. I haven't spoken to her through the whole pregnancy and even now when her baby is maybe two months old, not a word. I totally get going into hiding. I am avoiding that shit completely. I have learned that I need to sometimes think about myself and just completely separate myself. ESPECIALLY to the Summer's of this world.

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    1. The idea of getting knocked up on a one night stand is MIND BOGGLING. So very sci-fi.

      Yeah I'm separating myself because I fear I even with my best efforts I will be that person with the weird energy and a half smirk.. My acting skills are just not feeling up to snuff..

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  9. Here's the one I heard today that makes me want to scream- a couple with a boy, wanted a sister for him. Supposedly without treatments (says mom in the article) she conceived quads, born last week at 30 weeks- which were 2 sets of identical twin boys. First thing they say, after going from 1 to 5 sons in a day (4 of whom must be in the NICU)? 'We're still going to try for a girl.' Palm-to-forehead. Just. Why?

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    1. What the fuckity fuck? BOO.

      Iiii am driven batshit insane just by the idea that the Duggars exist. "we'll have as many as G-d wants us to have". Really? So the only way G-d says no is through menopause? That's his only way of communicating is through hot flashes? Through your own personal burning bush?

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  10. You have been missed! But I understand the need to retreat and go into self preservation mode. Especially after being hit with the pregnant sister news. I kind of wanted to punch my monitor when I read her story.

    If you figure out the secret to giving up sugar without wanting to kill yourself (or someone else), let me know!

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    1. Hellooooo gorgeous! Yeah, I'm going to have to occasionally smile through the next six months... And then end up with some niece or nephew with a mispelled name that allegedly means something spelled backwards... and if she gave up smoking cigarettes/pot I shall eat my flip flop.

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  11. Gah, Summer sounds like a very special snowflake. You are a good woman for not giving her a swirly in my estimation. And also, you are a godess for exercising; I only run if someone's chasing me. Yay for the whole mind over matter bit.

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    1. Oh I have NEVER moved before unless a giant bear is chasing me. NEVER. I whine and scream and throw a tantrum whilst doing it, I assure you. ;)

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  12. I love grumpy cat!!!!! You have been so missed. But I get it more then you know. I hated all the pregnancy anouncments when I wasn't pregnant, it felt like it came in by the truck load..it's a blow and its painful.

    I'm sorry about she news of your half sister, that is shitty and it sucks. You on the otherhand are going to be such an amazing mother! I can't wait for this to happen for you!!! Boy or girl...whatever it is that pops out of your body is going to be one lucky kid, and they will know it!!!

    As for exercising.....I hate it but I do it, but those people who are like I love running or I love spinning....are seriously smoking the crack pipe!!!

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    1. Thank you for the lovely compliments, my dear. ;)

      Oh they're all smoking crack.. I feel like being jazzed about exercising is just a downward spiral into claiming the only true way to femininity is through high heels, and the only books worth reading are the ones with glossy pictures of women putting on lipstick on the covers.. It's a slipper slope.

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  13. Not happy with the half sister.

    Hoping all goes well with your next attempt.

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    1. Me neither, I am soooo... disgusted. And feeling guilty about being disgusted which is weird.

      Thank you lovely!

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  14. HAHAHAHAHA! Well, it's great to hear your voice. I had just started reading when you disappeared. :-)

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    1. I'mma gonna keep writing, I will. I have been in the Infertile Protection Program.

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  15. So glad to see you back. And a huge BOO to Summer...I just don't understand the universe when people like that can get pregnant...just doesn't make sense. Good for you for getting healthy. I can't wait to hear what your RE comes up with for your IVF. Thinking lots of good thoughts for you, my friend! I've missed you!

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    1. Thank you for the good thoughts lover! I need em', I need em...

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  16. Yeah Storky Stork!! Missed you lovely. I hope you are ok and coming through the shitty fog. It sucks. We all get it and I hope the hiding out has helped you. That really sucks about your half sister. What a whore the universe is.
    I too am on the healthy train, gearing up for our IVF and it SUCKS.ASS.
    Right now, as I type this I am having a sneaky illegal third coffee...ooops what can you do, I want my eggs to be awake ;)
    Glad to have you back gorgeous!!

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  17. Love this post made me laugh at work. Hey I feel you I am surrounded by preganant women at work who I swear someone is announcing they are pregnant every week here. Also my lovely ex-husband had a baby in decmeber with a girl(who is addicted to pain pills for her firbomyalagia bullshit and no jobs) he knew for a month never wanted anymore kids or even our child when I was pregnant(different story now with our daughter but at the time was less than enthuiased!!!)there are many times I feel homicidal towards people!!!!

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  18. Just wanted to wish you luck as you prepare! Keep up the good work!

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  19. You weren't far off:

    http://jezebel.com/5987659/everyone-was-fucking-during-hurricane-sandy-and-now-theyre-pregnant?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

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